A Sporting Event

I tuned in tonight, armed with a glass of Gatorade and a handful of fig newtons, to watch the debate, the one referenced in the subject line, above. I must have had the tuner on the wrong station, because instead of the fire that I expected to break out, with flames shooting at me in high def, instead of claims and counter claims, accusations and blame-gaming, I saw two people in boring suits, with boring ties ( and one guy in a puke-green shirt) starring in a replay of a ping-pong match.

The guy on the left kept saying the guy on the right was inexperienced and naive. He said that about seven times. The guy on the right kept saying, "You're right, John". He said that about eight times. When both guys were asked (by the only guy who was really "on topic") what they would both do without (as President) because there would be no money in the bank, they ignored him and played more ping-pong. They did that three times. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Afterwards, some other guy on TV said the guy on the left was "contentious". I just thought he was being old and gnarly. Then someone said the guy on the right was "too nice" and "missed a few openings". I just thought he was showing respect for his elders. You have to go easy on old people, especially when they work for the government and crashed planes for a living.

There was some chit-chat about oil drilling and alternative energy sources and resurgent surges of terrorists, and the guy on the left denied ever being Miss Congeniality but said he and his newgirlfriend were both Mavericks. At that point I thought maybe the guy on the right would start a real argument over how to pronounce the name of the president of whatsitstan, but instead he talked about tax loopholes for the drilling people who already had more money than the alternative energy people who needed tax breaks to pay for health insurance for the people installing the alternative energy equipment. And for a moment I wondered if while that was going on, the guy on the left was thinking about drilling his girlfriend.

It was all very exciting. It was something like the thrill I experience when I watch my instant oatmeal heat up in the microwave every morning. Then Keith Olberman made some jokes, and Chris Matthews and Pat Buchanan yelled at the microphone about who went 15 rounds without a knockout, and I had some ice cream and went to bed.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell they plan to do with that $700 billion. Maybe it's not important in ping-pong.

Life Goes On In Texas.